Seriously

Seriously would anyone pay 15 dollars for a bolt. My husband is currently repairing my dad's truck and all he needed to finish were 6 bolts. We ran to a couple of places in the "big city" and they were out of stock so finally we called the dealership and they said because the truck was about 15 years old that the bolts were now classifed as "special" so it would 15 dollars a bolt. WHO PAYS $90 for 6 BOLTS!!!! It's crazy.

We went to a hardware store near our home and spent $20.

Remember to brush and floss daily

Well M had her first dentist visit today....yes I am aware I am a bit overdue. Perhaps it's my fear of the dentist that put it off in the first place. Pain seems to follow me wherever I go. My brother told me about this place they take their kids and it is specifically for kids and is it great! The waiting room has tons of books- a HUGE fish tank and a big brown pole that they basically turned into a tree with butterflies fluttering around and an owl. After about 15 pages of papers to fill out and having to run out to close the trunk of my car (because I let the 1 year old play with the car keys) we went into a room. Automatically M noticed the tv. There is a tv in every room and while the dentist works on their teeth the kids get to watch movies. Why did they not have this when I was kid and why don't they have this for adults??? She did not have her teeth cleaned or anything. They just showed her all the equipment they use to take care of the "sugar bugs". M really enjoy playing with the fake teeth, pretending to brush them and playing with the little mirror thingy they use to look at the back of your teeth. Then the dentist came in and counted her teeth and in a pause I knew what she was going to say...."Already I see it's pretty crowded in there so....." My husband and I both had braces and had known when she was born that we should probably start saving. She reminded us that this might not happen, but right now that's how it looks. She also told us not to worry that she hadn't lost any teeth yet. It will happen. M had a rough time in kindergarten because everyday she was coming home telling us about another classmate that had lost one tooth or more!

At least we know she has no cavities so that's a relief and everyone seems very friendly so I also feel relieved about that. We are to help her floss which M was quite excited about. I flossed hers and then she flossed mine. A little more painful on my end I think, but she did well. :)

Thank You Jack Kerouac

Well very soon we will be on the road to Kansas. This will be our third trip down there and Lydia's 1st. We are so excited. Things just seem so stressful right now that it feels like once we are on the road we will be in heaven. Although that's until Lydia starts screaming. She hates her carseat. It makes me think of a commercial I saw recently with the song "Don't Fence Me In" playing and the kid is getting buckled into his tub seat and buckled into the high chair and buckled into the car seat and all they want to do is run around! I'm hoping by the end of the trip though she will be enjoying the ride more. Remember the good ol' days of being about to move about freely in the car on trips? My husband seems to think in our next vehicle we should get one with a dvd player and I refuse it. It may keep the kids quiet, but they get enough tv at home. Road trips are about being together in a confined space against your will and being forced to have a good time. Just kidding. But I like the idea of communication and I think that is a factor in many home lives that is absent.

So we are looking forward to going and visiting my husbands grandparents and great-grandma. When M was born there were two more great-grandmas, but they have since passed on. We are thankful Mayme got to meet her great great grandma betty. She was quite the lady. She was the one who told us we better "get going on making another babe."

We leave for the trip next Tuesday and are having a birthday party for M on Saturday so everything is hitting us all at once. Maybe that's why we are looking forward to the vacation so much. haha! There is nothing I love more than being "on the road."

Taking advantage

Speaking of taking advantage of life. Here are the top 10 outdoor vacation spots.

The Grand Canyon tops my list of places.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Summer/story?id=2105885&page=1

S.L.C.

There was a funeral yesterday for my great-uncle at my old church. It's is so funny because I have not been back in that church for many years and everything looks so small too me now, but when I was younger it was so much bigger. Even the number of steps seemed more. I brought M along with me because I thought this would be a good experience for her to go through since it was with a more distant relative. She did have a few questions. When we first got to the church she did not want to see the body, but once we sat down she got more and more curious and really wanted to see it. When I was a kid there was no way I wanted to see the body. In all the experiences I've had the person just never looks the same they did alive. But as I get older I see that's it's not about me it's about them and the family and showing last respects. I have not been to many funerals because I just have had a hard time dealing with them. I've always felt there was a plan and not been afraid of death, but deep down when I really think of it, it scares me. I guess the death part isn't what scares me, it's that it could be tomorrow or next week. I'd like to think it will be in my 80's or older. I want to see my kids grow up and grandkids and maybe even great grandkids. I just don't want to think about my kids growing up without me. Funerals always remind you that you really do need to enjoy every moment you have. Overall Mayme did well. She was very much fascinated by the cemetary and seeing where all our relatives our buried. Seems that everyone in that small cemetary is related. It was good to see family I hadn't seen for awhile. I had to laugh to myself after the funeral when we all went downstairs for cake and coffee that all the ladies working in the kitchen were the same ladies working in the kitchen when I went to church there. It saddened me not see any new faces. I know the church is lacking in numbers. My favorite part of having a meal after church were the sugarcubes which oddly Mayme didn't like so I lucked out and got to have a treat. I loved how they had the same coffee cups with the churches initals on it. That they still had my name up with all those who graduated cradle roll. And the confirmation pictures of my grandparents, father, and siblings. It was nice to have history to show Mayme.

The Darkness

Well maybe it's lack of sleep or who knows, but the last few days I have been struggling with no explanation. I've just felt so low and I'd like to have blamed it on the rain only for the most part it hasn't been rainy. Maybe it's a series of thing. The whole father's day ordeal from this weekend or maybe the passing of a great uncle. Maybe it was the death of an old classmate I never really knew. Maybe that's what set me up to this or was able to push me over the edge just enough to express myself. I was listening to a cd of mixed songs and writing a letter to a friend I haven't seen in awhile. Once I finished the letter I felt the overwhelming need to just write. Once I started I couldn't stop and once I finally did stop I wasn't able to come up with anything else and I just felt relieved. I used to write A LOT of poetry when I was in high school and after the birth of M I just haven't written. Maybe it's because I am busy, but I always feel like the reason I wrote was because I was so depressed. I wrote a lot about dark things and once M was born most of those dark things left me and I really didn't have anything to write.

I haven't figured out yet how to write happy poetry. (haha)

Tonight though it felt so good to write like that again. It felt so exhilarating. Here are some of the things I wrote:

feelings of low grandeur
cheap
meaningless.
it's not love i'm looking for-just pain-pain is home.
dark with a candle burning,
barely flickering,
almost out.
soon life will be dark-no one home now.
______________________________
spring like rain
falling on top of the world
traps of metal
catching souls
oh to be free!
wouldn't we all like to be
______________________________
winter melts
snow drops
peas in a pod
cast iron metal
laden with cheese
puffs of smoke
rings of gold
stones sinking to the bottom
of the sea
opening up pools
of green
______________________________
Today I'm turning inside out. Struggling to make heads of tails.
What is this I'm feeling?
Skeletons coming to the closet door longing to be let out just to
laugh at me.
Make me think of anything else please!
For so long the darkness was displaced, but now shadows are casting down.
The light is getting hard to see.
Where did this come from and how do I escape?
There is no sleep for me tonight.
Only endless thoughts of distant memories and mistakes
Eating me alive.

I DIDN'T DO IT!

One day I was shopping with my husband and we were talking and I mentioned that I wish I could find a t-shirt for our 5 year-old saying "I didn't do it" since that seems to be her phrase lately. Sure enough we found one! (Unfortunately they didn't have her size.) Anyway, last night I was on the phone talking in the kids' playroom with M in there. I looked down at the toybox and noticed crayon on it. I got her attention and pointed at it and she looks at me and whispers "it was lydia." To this I simply look at her and shake my head because I know it's not true. She looks at me and says "it was me, sorry." When I got off the phone I went over to her and asked "Do you want to know how I knew that Lydia didn't do it?" She asked how and I told her "Lydia doesn't know how to write her numbers." The side of the box had the numbers 1,2,3,4,5, written on it. :)

Happy Father's Day and Birthday!

Happy Father's Day and Birthday!

Well today my dad celebrated his birthday! He was born 62 years ago on this date which happened to land on Father's Day that year as well. My dad and I have had an interesting relationship. I love him dearly and I always throw it in and the end of a phone conversation, but it is never said with the meaning it should. It's just quick and robotic. I guess I should be happy that we can say it at all. I think my dad and I are alike in that it is much easier to express our feelings through writing than face to face. I wish it didn't feel somewhat awkward because I want him to know how much I love him. I think he does. Life changes your perspective when you become a parent. All of the sudden you see what your parents had to go through. My dad sees my daughter and I think sees time with her as time he didn't get to spend with me and my brother as he was busy working and farming. I think all little girls love their daddys more than anything no matter what. When my parents divorced I just felt so bad for him who was all alone. He went through a whole lot of depression for a long and at one time when I was older I saw a therapist and they suggested that I ask my dad about the divorce and the hows and the whys because it might help me, but I don't see how it can help to drag things up from the past that are only going to hurt him and not change anything. So I don't bring it up. I really think it was my dad's girlfriend who was able to help my dad and I begin a friendship. It was very hard to deal with him in the teenage years. His depression and his drinking. ( and me well being a teenager I thought I was always right. ) I got so tired of the fighting and I learned to find the signs that he had been drinking before coming home and leave the room before he could pick a fight. With her around though I was able to have someone who understood him in his "moods" -someone to confide in and also with her around he was more happy. Now he is happier than he's been in a long time even though he and the girlfriend are no longer together. Today was the first year we were allowed to spend a birthday with him. My grandma, brother and his family and my family with my dad got to celebrate. This was a HUGE deal as my dad has never spent a birthday with us. He never wanted to celebrate and wanted it to just pass by and usually would spend the day by himself at the bars. My mom says that it was this way even when they were married. He was just convinced he was going to die young because his father did. I think the big birthday was a couple of years ago when he passed the age that my grandfather had been when he died. I think my dad just kept dreading that age because he thought he was going to die also. Passing that age I think he became more relieved and relaxed. Or maybe it is his grandkids that brought the change. Whatever the change it is nice to hear him talk about the future instead of dying. I can't imagine life without him. Even though we have had a rocky road he is still the one I call when I have a problem or call to talk about nothing. The first one I talk to about everything. I know he did the best he could raising me on his own and I am so thankful for him. I'm looking forward to many more father's days and birthdays to celebrate with him!!

Kids really do say the darndest things!

It is true! Some of the things M says are just fantastic. My Grandma told me from day one to ALWAYS write them down because I wouldn't remember. I used to think...how I could I forget?? But you know what? A person does. M had her friend Grace over. She is our neighbor and she is the same age as M. It's awesome because we have a wire fence between our yards and the girls just simply crawl under to visit eachothers houses. Whenever one is leaving a house they walk the other to the fence and wave goodbye.

ANYWAY, the girls were playing outside and Grace ran into the house and told me I had to come and look at something right away! As it turns out a baby bird had fallen into the window well. It looked like it was a baby and I think it might have not learned how to fly yet and fell out of the tree. (Seems to be happening a lot around here). So I went down to the basement to see if I could get it to fly up. The girls stayed outside watching from above. So I open the window and the bird starts squawking at me and trying to fly. Which of course the girls take off running and screaming because they think the bird is coming right their way. So they run into the house and tell me how sacred they were. M turns to Grace and says "I was so scared I almost had a heart attack." To which Grace said "You were attacked by the bird??" M said, "No, I didn't get attacked". Grace replies "But you said you had a hard attack." It was great!! I love it.

Lessons all around

Well I am back another day so I guess that's good. Yesterday we had a couple lessons of life and death with our 5 year old. We had a baby bird that must have fallen out of it's nest that was lying dead of course right next to the sand box. She was so puzzled as what had happened. She thought a falcon had attacked it (thanks to Stuart Little). Then we went over to her Grandpa's and she found a dead baby kitten. It's so funny because as a child I would have been crushed and with time and experiences I just picked up the little creature and laid it to rest in the pasture. Again my 5 year old wondered what had happened. I tried to explain to the best of my ability and she seemed to handle it just fine. I am thankful for these lessons because I think that they will in someway help down the road for when a relative dies. Yet we all know when someone dies no one is prepared whether it is a surprise or a long drug out disease. She will ask me questions and it's just do big too explain sometimes.

Right now she thinks everyone lives to 100 and then they die. :) I wish it was the case.

Today M (the 5 year old) had a hearing appointment. At Christmas time we noticed she was hardly hearing at all and I asked the school nurse to check her hearing and she failed. We had two more hearing tests in which she had no hearing within normal range. She was set up to put tubes in her ears this Friday due to fluid in her ears. Then a week ago she was able to hear!! After 6 months of her not being able to hear without us yelling at her she heard me whispering. So we went in today and FINALLY her hearing is back into the normal range. The otorhinogologist said that the fluid was all gone. No need for surgery!!!! Our prayers were answered. Even though this surgery (which she was also going to have her tonsils and adenoids taken as well) happens all the time when it's your child you just don't want them to have to go through any pain. Even if it's as minor as a scrape. I still remember last year when our other daughter who was 3 months old at the time had to have a surgery to remove some bone in her skull and hearing her cry and moan when she was coming out of the anesthesia. It was almost too much to bare. I was happy because she was crying because it was like "Whew it's over and she made it through okay," but also heart wrencing because I wondered if she was feeling any pain. It is a lesson for me to learn that no matter what lays ahead in my little girls lives that they will at one time(most likely more than once) go through a pain that I won't be able to take away.

And then there was light

God said let there be light and there was light.

This is my first blog entry. I don't even know if that's the correct language for this. I have a friend who has a blog and I really enjoy being able to keep up with what's going on in her life so I thought I would give this a try. I used to be really big on keeping a journal, but then I got married and had kids and I hardly have anytime to sit down and write in a journal. So I am taking the leap into technology and seeing what advances it has for me. Let's hope I can keep up with this. I think it will be fun.