The Darkness

Well maybe it's lack of sleep or who knows, but the last few days I have been struggling with no explanation. I've just felt so low and I'd like to have blamed it on the rain only for the most part it hasn't been rainy. Maybe it's a series of thing. The whole father's day ordeal from this weekend or maybe the passing of a great uncle. Maybe it was the death of an old classmate I never really knew. Maybe that's what set me up to this or was able to push me over the edge just enough to express myself. I was listening to a cd of mixed songs and writing a letter to a friend I haven't seen in awhile. Once I finished the letter I felt the overwhelming need to just write. Once I started I couldn't stop and once I finally did stop I wasn't able to come up with anything else and I just felt relieved. I used to write A LOT of poetry when I was in high school and after the birth of M I just haven't written. Maybe it's because I am busy, but I always feel like the reason I wrote was because I was so depressed. I wrote a lot about dark things and once M was born most of those dark things left me and I really didn't have anything to write.

I haven't figured out yet how to write happy poetry. (haha)

Tonight though it felt so good to write like that again. It felt so exhilarating. Here are some of the things I wrote:

feelings of low grandeur
cheap
meaningless.
it's not love i'm looking for-just pain-pain is home.
dark with a candle burning,
barely flickering,
almost out.
soon life will be dark-no one home now.
______________________________
spring like rain
falling on top of the world
traps of metal
catching souls
oh to be free!
wouldn't we all like to be
______________________________
winter melts
snow drops
peas in a pod
cast iron metal
laden with cheese
puffs of smoke
rings of gold
stones sinking to the bottom
of the sea
opening up pools
of green
______________________________
Today I'm turning inside out. Struggling to make heads of tails.
What is this I'm feeling?
Skeletons coming to the closet door longing to be let out just to
laugh at me.
Make me think of anything else please!
For so long the darkness was displaced, but now shadows are casting down.
The light is getting hard to see.
Where did this come from and how do I escape?
There is no sleep for me tonight.
Only endless thoughts of distant memories and mistakes
Eating me alive.